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Hectic Thoughts

It's strange. The big things aren't bugging me at all. Kris not getting all of his stuff out after I rushed home to take apart his bed and get all his things together? Eh, life is full of miscommunications. The fact that I'm being penalized for giving my notice to move on the 2nd instead of the 1st? My fault, should have been more on the ball. That my taxes haven't been sorted out yet? Ah well, they'll come through, and when they do, I'll have more money. Yay!

But the little things? God, they make me want to scream and bang someone else's head against a wall. Repeatedly.

Mostly, it's the bus. I'm convinced, totally, that the buses will be nice and pleasant in Scotland, or I'll know the reason why! I have gotten to the point where I can't stop grinding my teeth every minute I'm on the bus. It's hugely annoying and very childish and I really want to stop. Nothing is that big a deal, the people on the bus are not out to get me personally, damn it, but it feels like that. Like everyone I deal with should just know I haven't been sleeping or eating much lately, and should treat me like I'm a fragile and delicate flower ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

Yeah, I know. I'm six. Or four. Or something. Gah.

I wish I could get upset about the big things, but I seem to be taking them in stride.

Of course, it's kinda interesting how things are falling out. See, I really really wanted a laptop. I fell in love with Don's little portable Mac thingy. I want to be able to play Dungeon Keeper on the plane ride, or find wireless connections in random places. And, you know, I just wanted a computer so that I could have a computer. I'm not sure I could live a computerless life. But, the laptop I coveted was very expensive, and Don pointed out that I might be able to afford it, depending on the cost of the plane ticket. So, in a rush to prove that I can, at the age of... 28? 27? However old I am... I could buy a plane ticket all by myself, I walked into the nearest travel agent and asked for their best prices from Vancouver to Glasgow.

And found a flight for the time period I want for 150$. Canadian.

Hell, it's costing me 109$ plus tax to get to freaking Vancouver!

So, the Finalized (for real) this time plan is that I fly to Vancouver Monday afternoon, then fly out of Vancouver Sunday night. Really really late Sunday night. I'll arrive in Glasgow Monday evening, have booked a hostel for the night, and have a first class train ticket to Edinburg already paid for. The whole trip, Edmonton-Vancouver-Glasgow-Edinburg is only 450$, which is less than I exected to pay for the trip just to Glasgow. Oh, and that includes the cost of traveller's insurance for the first month of my stay.

Both Don and Margery have decided that this means the trip is meant to be, and that I should stop fretting so much about it. Obviously some power or another has decided I need to go live in Scotland. Very very soon.

So, it's shaping up to be a hectic week (although both people I was supposed to hang out with today had to cancel on me. Ah well, I'll see them tomorrow instead.). A few days ago I saw one friend who really drove it home for me that this is it. It's possible that everyone I say goodbye to this week, I may never see again. I know that sounds melodramatic, and it's true that I have full intententions of coming back for visits (and weddings, god, why is everyone I know getting married?), but who knows what will happen? Will people be gone? Will I just never really get the chance? Talking to my friend, it all felt so final, and it's finally coming to me that this is the Big Choice Thing that people make. This is looking at my life, realizing I'm very unhappy, and refusing to continue to live this way.

All joking aside, I don't think living in Scotland is going to be all roses and kitkats. But it's going to be a chance for me to make difference choices, to stop living in a rut where I'm not satisfied with anything, not work, not my social life, not my home. Maybe I'll hate Edinburg, but it'll be a new place to hate, if that makes any sense.

(Not that I hate Edmonton, I find it a beautiful place, but god, I'm so bored.)

I don't know, I have more I want to say about this, but I can't really gather my thoughts into coherency, and I really really just want to write about how my new laptop is the best thing ever, especially once I turned the modem on. I can't keep focused on much right now, so I guess I'll just end this with the comment that I'm very excited and happy and scared and anxious and worried and counting the minutes until I touch down on Scotish soil and can start claiming that all Canadians wear lobsters on their heads and just... this is going to be such a great experience, I already know it. Even if I hate every minute of it and it rains the whole time and I end up working at McHaggis or something, this is going to be a great choice, and I can't wait.

But I'll probably never stop missing Edmonton and that sense that this might, maybe, have been home, if things had turned out a bit differently. Not sure if I'll ever find another place with the sort of people I found here.

Don't look back.


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