And the Thunder Rolls...
It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. For the second time today, storms are rolling through the city, thunder and lightning chasing after the rain. I can't remember ever hearing thunder here before, and right now it seems ominious. Earlier it just seemed exciting.
I've been here for a year, and in a week I go back to Canada for Tom's wedding. My parents will pick me up at the airport. In that year, so many things have changed, and I'm not sure I want to see that right now. My dad tells me my mom has lost a lot of weight, my best friend from high school send me baby pictures of her son born just last month, and Tom is getting married. It's not that I think life in Canada should stop when I'm not there, but it feels a bit like the time is passing through my fingers too quickly to get a sense of it, like water rushing down a mountainside.
I really hate to fly.
Right now I'm trying to focus on the things worth looking forward to. I love the ferry ride from Vancouver to Nanaimo, and I haven't seen Gastown in long enough that I might be able to appreciate it for something other than it's tacky-tourist-ness. I can't wait to see my mom, and Tom, and Jenn, and Crash, and Linette. My parents live on a quiet street, and right now part of what's got me awake is the loud noises that come up from Commercial Street, drunks wandering home and loudly announcing how they aren't drunk, and the click-clack of shoes that makes people sound like horses, and the buses that go by every 10 minutes, even at 2:30 in the morning. Seagulls are arguing outside my window, reminding me once again how close I am to the ocean.
I really hate to fly, and I don't like the idea of going to a wedding where there will be so few friendly faces.
My parents have arranged for me to fly from Naniamo out to Kelowna. That's two planes, one a pontoon plane back to the mainland, and then another short jaunt to Kelowna. It's faster, less time on the road to brood about how different my life is now from people I used to be completely in sych with. I'm so happy Tom and Carla are getting married, settling down, but I feel so very confused. Jenn's having a baby, and it's widening the gulf that started with "So I'm going to college in Alberta", got larger with "I hear Scotland is nice this time of year", and now seems insurmountable with "Baby Ewan was born on June 21st".
I'm happy for everyone involved with this - God, Tom's so happy he's putting the sun to shame, and Jenn's wanted a child for a very long time. But it just feels like it's going to get even harder now to find people with whom I can explain why some days I want to go back to Edmonton and kick people in the head, and other days I want to go back to calling Edmonton home, and a lot of days I don't even think of it at all, and how that makes me feel. And I may know that the only people who really get that are other expats, but more often now I'm finding them hard to meet. Which is ridiculous - there are so many people here from elsewhere that I know more of then than I do people from Edinburgh. I have hundreds of places I could go online to talk to expats about these things. But so many of them are either where they want to live and settling down, or planning on going back to their home country, and I feel odd in that I don't know where home will end up being, and the next jaunt could be next week, or could be next year. Or could be never. And I don't know.
I really hate to fly, and I don't like the idea of going to a wedding where there will be so few friendly faces, and I hate waking up in the middle of the night crying and not knowing why.