There's Angst All Over Me (and that stuff stains)
I actually said to someone today "Remember when I used to have a life?"
I'm in the slow process of moving my posts from China over to this blog, 25 or so at a time. It's interesting to peek through them - I think I can detect the exact moment that it stopped being "ack ack I'm in a big scary foriegn country and I'm going nuts!" to "I'm thinking about this way too much..."
Random Side Note: When I was in China, I'd get emails and postcards from random strangers saying "You sound so lonely all the time". I always thought this was weird, because I was always *trying* so hard to sound upbeat and happy because this was a "great opportunity" and 'exactly what I wanted' and "an adventure, damn it!". Re-reading a few of the old posts... I see where they got it from.
I've been looking back at my time in China rather fondly lately, and I admit to missing it, but I'm looking back at it with that rosy-afterglow that sometimes comes. I was *so very lonely* while I was there. I loved it, it was all those things, too, but... yeah, lonely. I spent time while I was there sorting out who I was when I wasn't surrounded by people (ironic, all things considered, but I did have a flat on my own and felt very isolated), and thought I had figured it out. Returning to Canada afterwards was just.. well, it was hard, because I was back being surrounded by the expectations I had set for myself, the role that I had made for myself, and I was prepared for it anymore.
Part of the reason I'm chomping at the bit to get to Aus right now seems to be that I'm wanting to get away from it all again. I've got itchy feet, and I'm tired of expectations I've set for myself here. I want to be alone in that strange way you can only be when you're the only person you know. Because at that point, you need to get to know yourself pretty damned well....
Anyway, there's a new category, "China", and I'll be porting entries over about 25 at a time, dating back from late 2003. I'll have to get the earlier ones later, as I didn't use blogging software then, just html, and will take more time to sort.