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There's Angst All Over Me (and that stuff stains)

I actually said to someone today "Remember when I used to have a life?"

I'm in the slow process of moving my posts from China over to this blog, 25 or so at a time. It's interesting to peek through them - I think I can detect the exact moment that it stopped being "ack ack I'm in a big scary foriegn country and I'm going nuts!" to "I'm thinking about this way too much..."

Random Side Note: When I was in China, I'd get emails and postcards from random strangers saying "You sound so lonely all the time". I always thought this was weird, because I was always *trying* so hard to sound upbeat and happy because this was a "great opportunity" and 'exactly what I wanted' and "an adventure, damn it!". Re-reading a few of the old posts... I see where they got it from.

I've been looking back at my time in China rather fondly lately, and I admit to missing it, but I'm looking back at it with that rosy-afterglow that sometimes comes. I was *so very lonely* while I was there. I loved it, it was all those things, too, but... yeah, lonely. I spent time while I was there sorting out who I was when I wasn't surrounded by people (ironic, all things considered, but I did have a flat on my own and felt very isolated), and thought I had figured it out. Returning to Canada afterwards was just.. well, it was hard, because I was back being surrounded by the expectations I had set for myself, the role that I had made for myself, and I was prepared for it anymore.

Part of the reason I'm chomping at the bit to get to Aus right now seems to be that I'm wanting to get away from it all again. I've got itchy feet, and I'm tired of expectations I've set for myself here. I want to be alone in that strange way you can only be when you're the only person you know. Because at that point, you need to get to know yourself pretty damned well....

Anyway, there's a new category, "China", and I'll be porting entries over about 25 at a time, dating back from late 2003. I'll have to get the earlier ones later, as I didn't use blogging software then, just html, and will take more time to sort.

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Comments

look around you and enjoy where you are in the present.

Travelling as long as you wish in life is an excellent oppurtunity, but you should ensure that if, one day, you discover that a place is a perfect fit for you that you don't feel compelled to leave.

If you find yourself feeling constrained by the expectations of those around you, perhaps you should give some real thought as to who you want to be and who it is possible for you to be as preparation for your next step. These people in scotland who have expectations that you don't like have formed them based on your actions (primarily - personality and culture play a small role too). If you dislike these expectations then you must address what causes them. If you never change either yourself or your expectations of who you should be, you will forever be chased onwards by the demon on your back without the choice of settling down.

Look at the thousand masks you have worn: Anna, Trouble, Cat, God, Lover, Friend, Gossip, Bitch, Confidante, Liar, The Girl with the Answers, The Broken Girl, The Entertainer, The Child, Anna Overseas, Ms. Pierce, GM, Teacher, Waitress, Retail Wage Slave, Hotel Worker. In all of these there are shards of who you are, shards of who you could be, and shards of what you hate. Pick through them and identify which are really what you want and hold tightly to that to avoid falling into old habits and traps.

Someday you'll desire a place to call home, give yourself a chance to stay there when you find it.

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